How Can I Fix My Marriage?

February 2004

God bless you in the name that is above all names, Jesus Christ. This is the name at which every knee must bow, including our own each day.

As I was praying this morning, I was asking the Father why so many couples of late have such strife and turmoil in their homes. Just yesterday, starting from four o’clock in the morning until about one in the afternoon, I was on the phone with various couples and individuals in crisis. Surprisingly, of the half dozen or so situations I dealt with, all of them boiled down to one thing: each was allowing the accuser of the brethren into their homes.

Revelation 12:10-11
And I heard a loud voice saying in heaven, Now is come salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of his Christ: for the accuser of our brethren is cast down, which accused them before our God day and night.
And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.

There are many aspects of the book of Revelation that are for right now. Many are for later, and many are unfolding as we speak. For example, our relationship with Jesus Christ is an ongoing continuum that is to increase until the day we see Him face to face. The process of being changed into His image is part of this continuing process. Clearly, these verses in Revelation have application today as well as in the future. Or else tell me, have you not encountered the accuser of the brethren lately in your own house?

The blood of Jesus Christ is part of our reconstruction. It’s employment must be part of our ongoing effort to overcome the adversary, and enable the fruit of the Spirit to prevail in our homes. Watchman Nee, in his book The Normal Christian Life shares how often believers remember to pray I John 1:9 when they realize they have sinned and need forgiveness to restore their fellowship with the Lord. He then shares how far fewer believers remember to plead the blood of Jesus over their sin nature – their willfulness to engage and embrace sinful behavior. But Watchman Nee shared a third application of the blood which has always caught my attention: remember to plead the blood over the voice of the accuser.

A favorite tactic of the enemy of all of God’s children is accusation. When you participate in accusing another believer, you shoot satan’s bullets for him. If God’s children humble themselves, and run to the Lord and then to the person they have offended to ask forgiveness for their words, and their habit of using such words, they will effectively deal with the sin. However, if they forget to proclaim the blood of Jesus Christ over the voice of the accuser (the one who remembers those words that were sinfully spoken), satan will bring them back to the memory of all parties at a later time to re-infect your home and hearts with future strife.

Words transmit spiritual power. Your words are listened to by the Father, by Jesus Christ, by the Holy Spirit, by angels, and by satan and his evil spirits. The authority of your own words is what empowers either a blessed Godly response, or an ungodly attack. This is why man is judged, condemned, by his own words, and why each idle word carries such importance in the spiritual realm.

When those words are cursed words, complaining words, they give permission for demonic attack. The authority of words that you speak provides the ammunition. This is why the sun is not to go down upon our wrath, because when it does, it gives place to the devil (Ephesians 4:26-27). The authority of words can be declared broken in faith, and there is no greater faith-multiplier than a husband and wife who pray together. They are ones whom the Lord has brought together to be fellow heirs together in the grace (divine favor!) of life so that your prayers be not hindered.

I Peter 3:7-12
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous:
Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.
For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile:
Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it.
For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil.

My wife and I learned early on while we were courting never to let twenty seconds go by, from the time we realized we were out of sweet fellowship with the Lord, before we repented and thereby restored our hearts before the Father. We also learned never to permit ourselves or each other the “luxury” of pouting in a corner. Instead we learned to immediately drop what we were doing at the moment, and pray – even when our hearts were not fully settled – by the time we finished praying together, the matter was lifted. The fruit of this has been very apparent in our family. In 28 years of marriage, Rita and I can count only one argument, and when I repented after about ten minutes, it was done (I had gotten religious and critical).

What propelled Rita and I to incorporate this way of operating in our hearts? Love. Love for each other? Only partly. It was more that we love the Lord so much that we can’t stand being out of fellowship with Him. That translates to being very uncomfortable when sin has separated us from our First Love, Jesus Christ. When Rita and I are out of fellowship with each other, something has first happened in our fellowship with the Lord. When we drop what we are doing and get things right with the Lord, we can quickly get it right with each other by asking forgiveness. “I’m sorry” should be sincerely and quickly given, and no spouse has any right to refuse it when it is offered. “I’m sorry, but…” won’t cut it.

Your spouse is a gift from God. That should end all nit-picking arguments. If you see your spouse as a precious son or daughter of God, you can train your heart to always be thankful for them. You can lead every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. In most troubled Christian marriages that I have observed, most partners are too lazy to try. I could say they are too wounded and damaged, but spiritual laziness is a far more appropriate description because the devil does not have more authority than the believer. He is under the feet of Christ, of which you and I are a part (of His Body). Hence satan is under your feet as well.

Usually, I find in troubled marriages that each spouse has become a professional blame-shifter. Their own sins are not their own, they are because of some behavior of their spouse. Please let me be clear on this: you cannot fix your spouse. Your troubles will not go away if and when your spouse is “fixed.” The only way your spouse is going to become fixed is when you change your own heart before the Lord. The love of God, agapao love, is the kind of love which never expects or demands any response in return. Phileo love always expects a return, but not agapao. You love because you have decided to love, no matter what the other spouse has done or continues to do. This is your responsibility before God. We do not fall in love, and neither do we fall out of love. Instead, we decide to love and we decide in our hearts not to love.

But a curious thing begins to happen when one spouse determines to love with the love of God at all times, and abandon their hurt, woundedness, blame shifting, and angry unforgiveness: God begins to heal, and at the same time He begins to release conviction and healing to the other spouse too. He sees a married couple as one, not two people. It is His nature to heal the whole, not just the part. His mercy is from everlasting to everlasting. Why can’t we have the same mercy toward our own betrothed, the one we vowed before God to sustain and cherish until death do us part?

I believe that with God all things are possible. They are possible when we allow Him to direct our paths. We cannot allow Him to direct our paths, nor to provide a way to escape that we may be able to bear it, if we have not developed the ability to stop and listen to His direction for us today. If we learn to dwell in the secret place of the most High (Psalm 91:1), we become like His Son. If we dwell in any other place, we become like the one who rebelled and chose death. Jesus gave us the Holy Spirit for the purpose of showing us how to find this place that He went to go and prepare for us to come and dwell in (John 14:1-3).

May you find this place. May the love that propels change, in order to be pleasing to one you love, overtake you, and give you the strength to endure patiently as He works His marvelous work within. “Behold I make all things new” is not an unrealizable hope, but an everyday occurrence as we embrace the One who ever lives to make intercession for the saints, Who is the Author and Finisher of our faith, and Who was tempted in all points like as we are, yet without sin.

Father, I thank you for each and every married couple Who have chosen to invite Jesus Christ to be Lord of their lives. I thank you for pouring out Your Spirit to heal and forgive, and bind every wound. I ask that Your love melt every hard heart, and touch every scar and restore each wound newness and healing. I ask that every cursed word spoken between them, and that every undermining and ungodly soul tie to any person past or present outside of each marriage be broken in the name of Jesus Christ. I ask Your divine intervention to enable each married couple to enjoy the fruit of their labor to enter Your rest, and receive the peace that passes all understanding as a precious blessing each day.

May forgiveness overwhelm anger, and may pleasure in each other’s company parallel their pleasure in the company of their First Love, Jesus Christ, in His sanctuary. May the altar of every married couple’s heart enlarge and expand daily, as they each pursue You Lord. And may they each make You their head, may every wife learn to respect, revere and love her husband unreservedly, willingly mortifying her flesh to submit to her husband, and may every husband die daily to himself as he lays down his life for his wife and learns to obey the counsel of the Lord. May every marriage solicit and become washed by the revelation manna instructions You give to them daily, to capture Your Promised Land blessings for the day. May each marriage member grow in their love and appreciation for You and for the amazing spiritual qualities in each other every day that You continue to give them to live, In Jesus’ name, amen.

Love in Christ,

Paul Norcross

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PS – For many years, the Lord has drawn my heart to reach out to married couples. I sincerely believe that the strength of the church rests on the strength of the marriages within the church, because they are meant to be the greatest expression of the love of God of any social unit – so much so that marriage is used in Ephesians chapter 5 as the illustration for how the one body of Christ is supposed to operate. No wonder Godly marriage has come under such fierce attack!

It is clear that marriage failures are rooted in spiritual failure. Thus it only makes sense that Godly healing and renewing can only come from the Spirit of God, and not from the soul of man. For this reason, the Lord has been teaching me how to help married couples learn to walk by the Spirit in their marriages, and for several years has had me teaching seminars on this subject to various churches and home study groups around the country. I am very grateful that my home church supports these efforts with their love, their prayers, and one week a month to travel to minister to others in other locations.

But to help more people in this regard whom I am not able to minister to personally, these teachings are available in a six-tape set with a study guide. If the Lord stirs your heart to grow in this area of marriage, Kingdom Faith Ministries can send a set to you. We ask for a donation of $50 together with about $7 for shipping for these materials.

My heart is not to sell something, and I cringe at the thought of slipping into even a hint of worldliness in broaching the subject of a cost for these materials. Therefore I want you to know that if the cost for these materials is beyond your means, and you feel led by the Lord to ask, I will be pleased to help supply as the Lord leads me and gives me the means to help. I sincerely desire that every couple grow in their walk by the Spirit in their marriages – in these times it takes all of His supernatural strength to do so -- and outside of a live seminar, a tape set is the only way I know to best impart what God has given me to share for healing marriages. May His love, mercy, and grace give you joy and blessing in the holy, blessed privilege of your marriage.

During the first two weeks of April I again have the privilege of ministering to the saints in many churches in Romania, together with Pastors Carl Fox and Steve Roy, and with Lee Camacho and two mighty women of God – Brenda Perreault and MJ Carroll. This is the team we were with in the fall, and since our last visit the work has been growing! We are excited by what the Lord has been doing through Steve and the saints at the small Romanian village school (nearly every child in the town has become born again along with many of the parents and school staff) and we are looking forward to seeing the well that has been constructed from gifts from believers who have support this work -- so that the schoolchildren have access to water now. The orphanage work is continuing well, and we are eager to spend time teaching the kids more of God’s word. In addition, a printing press has been donated to the prison ministry to fulfill a need there and enable Christian materials to become more readily available. Since this is the time the church celebrates the wonderful resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ, I suspect we may also have the privilege of baptizing new believers as well. Hallelujah!

Your donations to help in this work are greatly appreciated, and your prayers – we are so thankful for them, and deeply indebted to your love in the Lord. More than a few times over previous trips we have been saved from car accidents, police demands that we stop evangelizing on the streets, and even possessed individuals with murder spirits (the one who came at our team with a hatchet in a rage was really interesting) – we are convinced these have been because God stirred up intercessors to pray at crucial times.

If you are led to donate to this work in any way, please feel free to send your donations, earmarked for the outreach to Romania, to either Kingdom Faith Ministry, or to Carl (Christian Faith International Ministry) or to Steve (Christ Alone Ministries) as you are led.